There is a great amount of pressure to perform well in bed and increase sexual stamina which often causes Performance Anxiety. It can feel quite deterring when you are intimate with your lover. But for some reason, they were not able to reach orgasm.

Everything was in place, you were romantic and passionate. You learned the 6 top sex positions for women and men. Had the scene set with candles, music, your bedroom was clean. You turned off anything that could potentially distract them from the situation.

Yet, they were still not able to reach the perfect peak. This can happen for all different types of couples.

Performance Anxiety

When a person is not able to make their lover orgasm, they can take it incredibly personally.  It leaves a person in the dumps feeling insecure, angry, depressed and frustrated.  So much so that they end up thinking about questions like:

“Is my body not good enough?”

“Am I not that attractive?”

“I tried but am I not skilled enough?”

“Am I a bad lover?”

These questions spin in circles in a person’s mind. Sometimes these questions don’t really help the situation at all! Normally these questions are always aimed at what they perceive to be their own faults and insecurities. If this is how you think, you are not alone.

There are many people who struggle with this very problem.

A main reason why people place a huge importance on the value of orgasming during sex is because of all the benefits that it gives a person.

When a person has an orgasm, the body is flooded with hormones like oxytocin and dopamine which stimulates the reward centre of the brain. These hormones help the brain to provide a person with feelings of increased levels of happiness. A sense of well-being and sexual contentment. To top that off, the hormones can also help to relieve feelings of stress, pain and sadness.

Truth of the matter is that sex doesn’t always have to be about an orgasm.

If orgasming is always your main goal, you are bound to be disappointed. It is in fact, an unrealistic expectation that you have given to yourself.  There will be times when a lover will not be able to bring their partner to orgasm. Your very first step will be to readjust your expectations.

Helpful tips to help combat a negative thinking pattern about sexual performance

• Be In The Moment

Instead of thinking negatively, you should aim your focus towards the journey itself.  From the moment you flirt, to the moment you begin foreplay. And to the moment you engage in sex. People can experience incredible amounts of pleasurable stimulation from the act itself.

With this in mind, all these moments are equally important. As they can create an intense and heated encounter that will make your lover always want to come back for more.

• Listen To Your Lover’s Responses

One of the most important factors of having sex is listening to how your lover reacts.  You can gain a lot of information from their expressions. If your lover is telling you that it feels amazing or that they like it when you do a particular thing, listen!

They are moaning in pleasure, take note! You will need to do your best to keep what they say and how they react in mind. So that you are able to combat your negative thoughts in the future!

• Remember To Not Take Things Personally

With a negative thinking pattern it can be quite hard to not take things personally.  You will need to keep reminding yourself that you are not in control of how a person’s body responds.

Changing a toxic thinking pattern to a positive thinking pattern can take a person months and even years. Sometimes, for the people who are unable to orgasm during sex, they can also feel uncomfortable within their own body too.

• Take Your Time

Sometimes, we just want to orgasm straight away. But just because you are feeling sexually frustrated doesn’t mean that the orgasm will happen as soon as you begin! Depending on the day, time, thoughts, hormones and whether there are any distractions. It can take a person a longer time to orgasm than usual. If this is the case, go slow.

• Take Charge Of Your Wandering Mind

For whatever reason, sometimes people find that their mind wanders to other important topics when they are engaging in sex. If you find your mind wandering to topics like whether it will be raining tomorrow or that episode from that TV show you love, take note.  Bring your focus back into the moment and repeat as necessary.

Bring It Back To The Basics

Take a break from all the pressure to perform and have some fun.

Go back to the basics and give your lover a massage or ask for a massage for yourself. Take some time to masturbate so that you are able to feel good and relax. To make things easier you can even use sex toys for couples. When you are ready you can engage in mutual masturbation. Allow your partner control of the pleasurable stimulation.