Continued From Part One….
The Tantric Attitude
The tantric attitude is a mindset in which you say yes instead of resisting, be conscious instead of asleep, feel your body instead of thinking, and welcome pleasure instead of judging or avoiding it. Embracing the tantric attitude is a powerful antidote for the sex-negative messages you’ve received and likely replay over and over in your head.
Dr. Ian Kerner, author of the best-selling book She Comes First, calls this anti-sex programming “orgasm kryptonite.” Even Superwoman’s pleasure is compromised when she puts down her own sexual drives. I recommend you join the growing amount of people who reject the anti-pleasure taboos commonly accepted as true in the modern world.
A robust sex life is an integral part of life and essential for a loving relationship. Making love is healthy for the body, mind, and soul. Believing otherwise can block the awakening current and expansion of your orgasmic energy.
I don’t have to remind you that feeling bad about your body really gets in the way of sexual pleasure. If you’re too self-conscious to take your clothes off and make love in the light, you’ll compromise your orgasmic chances. Studies have directly linked body confidence with the ability and quality of orgasms in women.
Any size and shape body can be sexy if you believe it. As you well know, we’re all bombarded with media messages about “beauty” and the “perfect” body. No matter how pervasive and compelling they are, there’s no rational reason for you to apply these false standards to yourself.
Although my wife and I are healthy and energetic senior citizens, our bodies are far from winning a beauty pageant or body-builder competition. Instead we prefer to honor how orgasmic we’ve taught our “imperfect” bodies to be.
Your sex life will benefit if you can learn to love your body as it is and appreciate whatever pleasure it brings you. There are many resources available to help you if this is an issue you’re having trouble resolving on your own. Books, workshops, and specialized counsellors can help. One powerful practice in many sacred sex workshops is to teach women and men to honor the female form, especially the female jewels, or what Tantrics call the “yoni.”
The Relationship Factor
Most women can bring themselves across the finish line all by themselves. As a result, we have to consider the effect that your relationship has on your orgasms.
When you’re feeling a close bond, a sweet sense of harmony and a joy at just being together, pleasure flows more easily. When you’re open about everything and hanging on each other’s every word, all you care about is making each other feel as good as you feel. When you’re in love and all those feel-good hormones are coursing through your system, passion sweeps you away more readily.
But when you’re not, you’re not so hot, are you?
Relationship inhibitions of all sorts can block your pathway to orgasm. It’s not uncommon for women to spend more time worrying about losing control in front of someone else than focusing on their own pleasure. This includes worries about looking silly, being laughed at, or being judged critically. If these blocking thoughts prevent you from being vulnerable, you might be holding yourself back from letting go.
When you’re going for the gold, stuff happens – like crying, farting, screaming, and making a big wet spot. If you can’t accept that whatever you do is a natural part of the game, you’ll limit your chances of surrendering to the wildness that going over the top releases.
If you can’t relax or trust your playmate or if you’re consumed with jealousy, climbing up the mountain won’t be that easy. Stress, tension, and pressure with your partner can block your orgasmic response. When you’re mad at each other, the best you can hope for is frantic make-up sex.
By the way, if that gets you off, go for it. It just might not be a formula you want to intentionally repeat over and over.
Feeling Comfortable
Feeling comfortable with each other, communicating freely and easily, and not trying to change how your playmate is feeling works much better. If your partner’s ego is all wrapped up in making you climax, it can get in your way too. That’s way too much pressure for the average woman who’s already struggling.
You’re the only one who is ultimately totally responsible for your own orgasms.
On the other hand, focusing too much on your partner’s pleasure can also be a drawback. If you can’t be selfish enough to amass and harness your own sexual energy, who will? Thinking too much about your playmate can work against you putting enough attention on your own orgasmic ascent. Just accept that there comes a time when you need to forget about how you’ll look when you lose control, about whether or not you’re showing up as a hottie, and most certainly about reciprocating when you need to concentrate on yourself.
Many of the communication exercises in our Supreme Bliss Tantra ebooks and workshops are designed to smooth partner relations. One example is looking for the positive in each other by exchanging “sweet everythings.” Another, is talking about your desires and concerns before the action heats up.
Practicing some of these exercises without expectations, like kids playing doctor, can really change your sexual dynamics. If relationship stress is a frequent visitor in your bed, you might also want to consider counselling to clear the baggage that’s getting in the way.
Image: Body positivity
Physical Condition
If any of these mental, emotional, or relationship issues resonate with you, you should already have some steps in mind to improve your orgasmic response. Now that you understand the foundation, let’s shift our focus to the physical side.
First, since explosive orgasms boost your metabolism, fitness is fundamental. Frankly, being out of shape can influence your ability to come easily. When you make athletic love for an hour or more, your body has to be able to keep up. That includes heart, breath, and muscle fitness.
Aside from doing regular Kegel exercises, or what we call PC pumps (named for the pubococcygeal muscles at the base of the pelvis), this isn’t simply a sales pitch for going to the gym. It’s more about overall health and well-being.
Some illnesses and body conditions can sap your orgasmic energy. Pain really gets in the way. When our lower backs go out, reaching sexual peaks is much more of a challenge. Trying to make love when you’re hungry, thirsty, sore, or tired — or on a very full stomach — may make coming more difficult.
Hormones also play an influential part in arousal and orgasm. Childbirth, aging, and menopause can shift your body’s balance. As well, some birth control pills have an undesirable impact on sexual response. Certain medications, notably anti-depressants, are known to retard desire, arousal, and the ease of climaxing.
If you’re challenged in this department, consider seeing a physician who is well versed in the progressive specialty of bio-identical hormones. The compounds that our alternative doctor have prescribed for us have been very effective.
Recreational drugs can also influence your ability to orgasm. It’s not uncommon for women to use alcohol to loosen up inhibitions or cannabis to boost turn-on. Since we’re not teetotallers by any means, we have no problem with that. But you can have too much of a good thing.
Bigger doses function as a sedative which affects erections and the sexual response. Apparently that has a name, at least for guys, called “whiskey dick”. We don’t know if there’s a street name for how much the recreational drug ecstasy retards sexual desire. But it can for hours. So if using while making love is your thing, you might want to test out how your body responds without any stimulants. By experimenting, you should be able to determine what level of moderation is best for your orgasms.
Sensitivity
You can make your climaxes easier, stronger, and longer if you devote some attention to increasing your sensitivity. Part of that is mental and emotional. Too many women have cut themselves off from their bodies. How can you expect to enjoy orgasmic pleasure if you’re not in your body?
To change that, start by accepting whatever feels good without comparing or putting it down. Appreciate every goose bump, every kiss, every touch, every bit of wetness, and every bit of engorged flesh. Feel gratitude for each kind of pleasure you give yourself or receive from your playmate.
Celebrate every sensation as if it was the first and only time you’ll ever feel it. And then the next, and the next, and so on.
It’s important to be able to register pleasure and amass enough to orgasm. The fancy name for feeling more is “sensory awareness”. That means paying close attention to everything your body is experiencing. Cory Silverberg at Sexuality.About.Com describes it this way:
“Pay attention as if you had to describe what you’re feeling to someone who had never felt it before”
Fortunately, you can improve your sensory awareness by scanning every inch of your body. To practice, lay down, get comfortable, and take a few deep breaths. For the next fifteen seconds, focus on what your feet are feeling.
Ask yourself if you feel any subtle tingling anywhere. When you do, imagine your breath streaming in and fuelling it. The more you inhabit your body through consciousness, the more you’ll feel the first stirrings of sexual energy: warmth, tingling, and a vibration of aliveness.
Then, one at a time, focus on your ankles, calves, knees, thighs, pelvis, stomach, lower back, upper back, chest, shoulders, arms, hands, neck, face, and head.
Now do the same thing with your jewels. Don’t rush it, just spend some time on concentrating on all the parts of your yoni (The word “yoni” in Tantra is used to describe the vagina). Feel whatever you can feel. Just relax, feel your body, and watch what happens.
If you followed these directions, you might have noticed that you weren’t worrying, obsessing, or thinking about anything. Your mood may have also shifted during this practice.
Taking Charge of Your Turn-On
Women who have inherited a sex-negative attitude and are cut off from their bodies have a tough time reaching peak pleasure. So a vital part of freeing your orgasmic response is learning what feels good to you. That includes learning all about your anatomy, your erogenous zones, and what your sexy bits most respond to.
All women have their own unique orgasmic pathways that they need to discover and master. Do you know all of yours intimately?
For example, what kind of stroke, pressure, or vibration is most intense on your clio (the word “clio” in Tantra is used to describe the clitoris)? What does it take to activate your G-spot or deeper triggers inside your yoni? What preparations do you need to get into the space that lets you welcome these sensations?
Some women find that building arousal slowly is better for some of their erogenous zones. Some prefer the fast track on other pleasure spots. Often the best rhythm changes from session to session. Most people find that they require different actions to activate different kinds of orgasms.
Learning your body’s particular preferences is easier said than done. And it’s even harder when you’re busy trying to please your partner. Or he’s fumbling around with much success. If you’re unaware of what you need to get satisfied, your pleasure with different partners will probably be unpredictable and unreliable. And though a one-night-stand might seem really erotic, it usually doesn’t provide enough time and understanding to help a completely new lover get you off.
Undoubtedly, the best way to take responsibility for your own orgasms is by self-pleasuring. Most people call playing with yourself “masturbation,” but that word carries so much baggage. So I prefer to call it self-pleasuring.
