“About 10% of women have never had an orgasm — either with a partner or during masturbation.” – Louanne Cole Weston, PhD at WebMD
A nationwide survey found that women orgasm only once for every three men they have. This is called the orgasm gap in heterosexual sex. Statistics also reveal that women don’t have this gap when making love with other women or by themselves.
Back in 1953, a study by the Kinsey organization found that both women and men consistently need only four minutes to climax via masturbation. Multiple studies also show that, in contrast to men, only 25% of women consistently orgasm during vaginal intercourse.
Tantric love making can help you bridge that gender gap. Women, the more orgasms you have, the easier it will be. If you’re discouraged because you haven’t been going over the top when you want to, it’s understandable if you give up trying. If you’ve bought into the sex-negative rap that sex is dirty or sinful, it would make sense that you would avoid the struggle.
But you can change that with your partner’s cooperation. And there’s a whole lot you can — and need — to do on your own first.
Here I’m going to detail how you can reach the promised land more easily and more frequently. Whatever difficulties have frustrated you, the fact remains that your mind and body need to be trained to orgasm. So I suggest you commit yourself to the fun exercises described below that will develop your orgasmic abilities. Start by setting an intention and visualizing success.
If you have trouble climaxing from jewel union (The word “jewel” in Tantra is used to describe both gender’s genitals. The words “jewel union” are used together in Tantra to describe sexual intercourse.) or any other way, taking a holistic view of the female orgasm is a good place to start. Though helping a man explode is usually a simple process of a few strokes with a little friction and maybe a little porn, it’s much more complex for women.
The old line — women are turned on by love and men by sex — is important. But it’s not enough. Instead of one silver bullet, you’re looking for a series of changes that will build your orgasmic capacity.
In addition to the mechanics of sex, there are mental, emotional, relationship, physical, energetic, and anatomy factors that influence how you can reach sexual climax. As you read these factors below, consider which approaches seem like they might increase your orgasmic odds.
The Mental Factor
First, women, let’s consider the mental factor. In my practice of Supreme Bliss Tantra, we practice the tools that help you reach a state of ecstasy.
The first tool, being present, is your foundation to feeling pleasure. That means being here now. If your mind is elsewhere, your turn-on will suffer. Carrying work or relationship stress into the bedroom won’t help. Distractions – like kids nearby or other people who can overhear you – make it tougher to concentrate on your sensations.
I lobby for entering into sexual play without a goal. Wait, did I just say that you can orgasm more easily if you forget about it? Yes, I certainly did.
If your mind is consumed with the finish line, you won’t be in the moment. And it creates pressure. Pressure of any kind saps your presence. Putting expectations on yourself, having a deadline, comparing your sex life to others, and holding yourself up to some erotic standard all work against freely going over the top.
And guys, urging your partner to come, creates the kind of performance pressure that often gets in the way. As much as I love Fifty Shades of Grey, I cringe when Christian coaxes Ana with, “Come now for me, baby.”
Don’t worry about coming. Let an orgasm come to you.
Staying Present
You need to find a way that works for you to combat a negative mind that’s busy wandering and worrying. Doing whatever you can to relax is vital. Regular meditation can make it easier for you to get into the “pleasure comes first” zone.
The wrong kind of thoughts can block your build-up of passion. It’s essential to replace sex-negative beliefs like “sex is wrong or sinful” or “only bad sluts like sex” with sex-positive ones like “sex is good and healthy” and “I deserve all the pleasure I can muster.” It often takes some deep inner work to release and rise above childhood programming, religious dogma about sin, and cultural taboos.
If you’ve suffered sexual abuse, violence, or other trauma, resistance can be deeply ingrained inside resulting in body armoring. You may want to consider working with a therapist or sensual bodyworker specializing in these issues. Or find one of the many beneficial alternative therapies available today such as our preference, shamanic energy medicine.
An essential practice of Tantra is to create a “sacred space” before you make love. This is a special environment that you consciously fashion by cleaning up, beautifying the room, and cleansing the space’s energy. That could include finding a private time and place with erotic music, sensual art, candles, incense, and anything else that eliminates distractions and titillates your senses.
In addition, a long sensual massage can get you in the present moment since arousing the body tends to shut down the cerebral functions of the mind.
Another way to become more present to pleasure is through actively fantasizing as you approach orgasm. It’s a powerful way to keep your mind engaged with something that turns you on instead of on frustrations and distractions.
Once we saw a woman orgasm this way without any physical stimulation. While we don’t encourage you to make this a goal, just knowing that others can make themselves come mentally should inspire you. Finding your personal fantasies and indulging in them while making love is one of the most effective techniques for pushing yourself that last little bit over the brink.
Image: Be present
The Emotional Factor
Your emotional state may have an even bigger impact on how orgasmic you can be. This goes much farther than making sure you’re in the mood. Of course, you’ll enjoy yourself much more if you’re happy instead of anxious or frightened, down or depressed. But it’s as much about your self-image and self-esteem as it is about what happens in bed.
If you don’t like yourself or trust yourself as a sexual being, giving yourself the gift of climax can be a challenge.
If sex feels embarrassing, shameful, and guilty, your orgasms will suffer. Finding a way to move past these feelings and form a healthy relationship with your own sexual identity is essential to reaching your orgasmic potential. If you feel inadequate in bed, we encourage you to practice with a patient, understanding, and nonjudgmental partner. There are even trained and trustworthy sexual surrogates who work under the close supervision of a licensed psychologist.
In spite of believing that I was thoroughly sex-positive, I had a major transformation at a spiritual sexuality workshop some years ago. I stood up naked inside a small circle of women and men to declare how I felt about my sexuality. First, I had to look inside and review my beliefs about sex. Second, I released the negative judgements that I was carrying. Then I was able to declare that I was a fully sexual being.
I suggest you do this in a private ritual in front of a mirror if you can’t attend such a gathering. By accepting your innate nature, you can discard many of the inhibitions and resistances that don’t serve you. This kind of guided meditation can liberate your ease and willingness to experience ecstatic peaks more often.
CONTINUED TO PART TWO….
